Wrong Reasons

After all the experiences I had the previous year, my Senior year I had learned not to put so much on myself. I dropped most of the difficult honor classes in favor of a less strenuous load which would ensure I would at least graduate on time and get a fresh start in Junior College. Unfortunately for my undeveloped priorities, this simply meant I focused even more of my attention on running; now there were simply fewer things to fail at in other parts of my life. The previous year I had nearly qualified for the State Championship meet, which would have been, needless to say, awesome. In a nutshell, the top 50 or so qualified (5 best teams + 15 best singles) and I ended up about 52nd. Having come so close my Junior year, I figured I was a shoo-in my Senior year provided I trained enough. So I trained.

I did a more strenuous summer program along with the rest of the team so that I wouldn't lose much during the summer months. During the Cross Country season, I distanced myself from my teammates because my goal was to win, and win only. Having failed so much the previous year in so many aspects, I wanted to be the best at something. I was constantly angry; snapping at everything. I remember one practice where I flipped out at another runner for not doing some laps after practice that for some reason I demanded he do (I think I justified it because I was the captain.) If you're reading this for some reason, Josh, I'm sorry, and I was wrong for thinking I had any authority.

Anyways, the week of the meet came, and I was ready. I had trained hard and long and I was ready to qualify. All I had to do was to do what was expected of me at the Sectional meet and I would qualify for the State meet. I was ready to hear my name over the school loudspeaker (which I always imagined everyone was intently listening to) that I was representing our school at the State meet. Everyone in the room would cheer for me, and people in the halls would wish me luck in the meet. I wouldn't win, but for a couple weeks I would be recognized as being awesome. That didn't happen. Two days before the meet I caught a terrible flu that had been going around and ended up in the Emergency Room for a brief stay. While I wasn't in terrible life threatening jeopardy, I was out of commission from long distance running just long enough that I couldn't compete in the Sectional meet. So obviously I didn't qualify, and nobody cared about the Cross Country team.

I was angry at God. I held him responsible for keeping me from my dreams. I thought over the subject endlessly and concluded that there was no logical reason for God to keep me from running in that meet. It doesn't say anywhere in the Bible that running is a sin, and God could've stopped this illness and chose not to. I went angrily into the Track season and ran the whole season angry. I blew a gasket one practice at my coach because I thought she was being unreasonable (again, if you're reading this Coach T, I'm sorry; I was being immature and selfish.) I was fed up with not being the best and my one shot at going to State was gone. I wasn't a good enough miler in Track to make it to State, so I was just running with bitterness and anger.

After the season, I quit running. I needed to figure out how to study, and at the time I hated running. I only did the sport because I was good at it; not because I enjoyed the activity itself. I liked running with friends, and I occasionally liked competition, but running itself...not so much.

It wasn't until years later I realized what was going on back then. God doesn't forbid running, but he does weed out things that keep us from him. When I broke down on my floor that night a year before and begged God to come into my life and fix everything, he did so. What I didn't realize at the time was that God was refining me like silver, and his first priority in that process was taking out the biggest hindrance in my life. God doesn't share his place in our hearts with anything else; if we ask for his love (which we should) we're going to get every part of it. We can not serve two masters.

Running was my idol. I served running because at my core I justified my place through it. I didn't need anything else to prove my worth, because I was a runner. On my own merit, I could achieve, and I didn't need help. God wanted to build me past that, and to do that, he had to remove the idols which I had built up to obscure his light from shining on me. It took me years to realize what God had done and was showing me all this time, and I'm thankful for it.

So that's why I stopped running for so long. My assumptions that you care about my history included, God is still working on the pride which I hold so dearly. He continuously strips me of the barricades I put up so that he can show me how he will defend me from the world. God loves me, protects me, and most importantly, saves me. I just hope that I can live a life some day that radiates his love to the rest of the world.