New Satisfaction

God's done a lot for me over the years; understatement of infinity. One of the more tangible things I've noticed recently is how much happier I am when things go poorly at the end of the day. Just the other day, for instance, circumstances went awry. I was sent home from work early without pay because there was nothing to do, my TV broke, and I was given a jury summons. That said, I can't say I was cursing the world or panicking, as I would have done in years past. To be honest, I felt a little bit of bad luck, but I just sort of shrugged and went on with my day each time. The question is: Is this because God's plan has given me different standards for happiness, or because my emotions have dwindled in general since my depression in High School?

If you're an avid reader, you know about my depression in High School. For that time period, and a few years following it, bad times would get me real down. Whenever something went abnormally awful, I'd beat myself up inside. I'd focus on the things I was trying and failing at, and would magnify them to the point that I'd consider myself the nut low. I'd surround myself with depressing music, push the world out, and then victimize myself to the point that nothing seemed to be my fault. This would happen when I got bad grades, if I didn't get invited to a party (even those I didn't want to go to,) etc.

These days, though, that rarely happens. Even on days when something beats me to the point of self-indulgent pity, it only lasts the night. I always wake up infinitely refreshed and satisfied in God's plan. I remember that, as a Christian, I don't have to prove myself to anyone. My identity is not my own. When God made me, he made me the way I am for a reason. He purposefully put every hair on my head, and gave me the gifts and faults I have so that I could serve a very unique purpose in his Kingdom. When Jesus died for me, he went on that cross to show the world that he's my identity now. He knew I'd screw up, but he wanted me to lean on him and let the world decide my worth by what he's done.

I don't think that a lessened sense of self-pity is caused by an overall numbness in my spirit. Rather, I believe my emotions have been heightened by God's love, and furthermore they've been put on a different scale, so that I can't punish myself too much for my own faults. When Satan tempts me into thinking that I've screwed up God's plan, God's always right there to correct that lie. I'm not quite sure what I'd do without God; I'd probably be living a much more, fitting a theme here, pitiful life. Thank goodness God is here.